Godsmack

Right. Well me and my best friend Angela went to the Godsmack concert last night. It was fucking unbelievable. I keep wanting to say "fucking tits.." I hate it but one of my friends will not shut up with that phrase. I am sooo like, in the Godsmack zone right now and I can't get over it. Amazing, Amazing. Sully was soooo hot. And I got hella good pics on my phone... [now to figure out how to get them to the comp]. We had a great time, and would have been standing in a really good spot, was it not for a fat couple boppin around in front of us the whole time. They seriously could not sit still, so I was straining my neck and my knees to see around them the whole time. And for real, they should not have been there. They were old and I was like, go take care of you children who you probably home school on a ranch somewhere. man. 

I don't know if I mentioned that we had our wedding reception a while ago. [JC there are fruit flies flying around my head providing an annoying distraction]. It was super fun, and we got a hotel afterwards. I think everyone else had a lot of fun too. My favorite part, tho, was taking pictures beforehand, rather that the reception itself ;). I had a fabulous dress, and a fabulous hair do done by none other than my beauty school sister. It was amazing. 

I just finished reading the fourth book in my favorite series... Prey by Rachel Vincent. Absolutely incredible. Like, cannot physically ever release the book from my hands while I'm reading it. She is an amazing writer. And such an inspiration. I hope to be that someday, someday when the kid thing is no longer an obstacle and I have time to sit down and write my books. 2 of which I already started by the way.... totally unrelated. 

Speaking of the kid thing tho, wow I don't know what it is lately, but I'm having a hard time once again coming to terms with the fact that I am a parent. I so definitely wasn't ready for this. God I love her to fricken death. She is my world... my little Moon Baby. But still, I have such a hard time accepting that I have to be ultimately there for her. For everything. She is mine... MY gift from God, that no one else can claim. I love her, and I will do it, joyfully, but it's such a hard thing. I don't and can't even talk about it with anyone. The best listeners I know can never understand because they don't have kids. I am dealing the best way I can. And I will. And continue to do so. 

She is waking up, and I wanted to write more but I'll have to at a later time. so thats all for now. 

IDK

I'm watching my babe sleep. Finally, it's been a long day. We saw her great grandmother today, and that poor woman barely remembers where she is half the time. She really enjoys it tho. She really just can't get over the fact that she has a great grandchild. 

I went to my Aunt's house for a while. My Great aunt Nana was in town from Texas... and so I don't see her that often. It was fine, I guess. Everyone ooed and awed over Aleeya and cooed about how she is such a good baby.. and she is.... but how easy for them to say when they can just give her back when she cries. Hung out with my cousin for a while, which is awesome cuz I love her so much.. but we weren't together for too long. Which reminds me as to why I fight depression so much. It's like... do not get me wrong. I LOVE my daughter and I LOVE my husband. I just miss how it was. I miss it so much. It is sooo hard to have a baby. I really still just cannot get used to the fact that I have someone who is 100,000% MY responsibility and literally everything that I do revolves around her. I love her but it hurts me sometimes. I watched my cousin get ready to leave and then go out with her friends. I cannot tell you how many times I just want to go out with whoever, and not have to worry about anything. Even if I do go out, it's like... okay, when do I gotta be back for Aleeya, what will she needs when I get back, gotta make sure I'm being smart about what I'm doing cuz I have to go back to her. Its hard. 

I have so many great memories, and usually I don't even want to think about them, it just makes me sad. I miss everyone, and I feel so alone. I was left alone when I became pregnant, and felt even more so when she was born. Half the time I don't even know what the fuck I'm doing. Where am I going? What is going to end up of me? Is it going to be like this forever???

Someone please help me. Help me from myself. 

I am just left out of so many things. I watched on the Tyra show some like 15 and 16 year old girls who want to get pregnant cuz it's cute or something. WHAT THE FUCK... ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND?? They have no idea what they are getting themselves into. 

Sometimes, being pregnant, there will be people around acting all excited for you and supportive, super excited for your baby. But ultimately, they leave. The idea of being able to hold a baby and look at one when it is convenient is great. But ultimately, I will be.... I am alone, in the end. 

On a more positive note, I ran 3 miles for the first time yesterday. The 5K is coming up, and I am going to own it in a couple of weeks. 

"See you all from time to time 

Isn't it so strange 
How far away we all are now 
Am I the only one who remembers that summer 
Oh, I remember 
Everyday each time the place was saved 
The music that we made
The wind has carried all of that away"

-Mad Season