News

Well Aleeya is almost 11 months old! Holy Cow!!! She is beginning to take steps and trying to walk! It is unreal. We are looking forward to our tots aquatics class beginning next week! I really hope that she is okay because she is super sick right now. Poor baby. She still doesn't sleep. Like ever.... and I continue to have a constant headache from lack of sleep. Its ridiculous. And as soon as she IS sleeping there is always something I need or want to do that is impossible when she is crawling around. Such as this. ha. 

Lately I have been feeling like I'm in a cage. I feel so trapped and freedom-less. Like, I waited 18 years to be free of my parents control... and now I am being held down by this life I have chosen. I hate it. I say it all the time.... I love them... I love Aleeya and I am in love with her dad. Ridiculously. But I can't stand the feeling that my life no longer belongs to me. Everything I do I ask. Dumb. I just got a tattoo. I love tattoos like crazy, I have my whole life. They are absolutely addicting and an awesome expression. But I can't get anymore. Because certain people don't want me to. It's my body. I want more piercings, but I can't. Even though it's my body. I just want to go where I want to and do what I want to... obviously within reasonability with me being a mom and all... Idk you get the picture. 

Anyway my tattoo.... I got lilies on my wrist for Aleeya. They are pretty big and purple and blue. I am literally the only person who likes it. I can tell by reactions. like "oh that's nice..." as opposed to "Wow that's beautiful!" Well whatever. It's mine. 

I have come to realize some things. I grew up a lot faster than I would have liked to. Obviously. So many teens with babies say that. But as my friends go to the club or party on a Saturday night, or off to a movie, I am most likely upstairs in my rocking chair singing my baby to sleep. My dreams soon follow. I don't drink, I don't smoke, and I certainly don't party. Especially now since I had Aleeya. I have only one single friend who doesn't drink on a regular basis. I love her. But when I think about, All of my friends drink. Too much. It is incredibly disappointing. I am disappointed in them. In the friends that I have chosen and chose to keep. For this reason sometimes I wish ditch them all and start fresh. But cutting off connections and relationships is not that easy. Technically and Emotionally. 

As far as this goes, I am hoping to meet some people with children by taking classes with Aleeya. 

Can't think of anything else at the moment. That is what has been on my mind. and it's been awhile. 

FALL

I never understood it when people say "I'm high on Life," or "I've got a natural High." I always thought to myself, Shut up, no one know what the hell you are talking about. Until now. Kind of. This is my favorite kind of weather. A little chilly, but not too cold or too warm. The leaves are turning and falling off the trees, and if you find yourself in a natural setting it is absolutely beautiful. So I went running and ended up going around the lake by house 3 times! I just couldn't stop! The entire time it just felt so Awesome and wonderful, the scenery, the temperature.. I can't even completely describe it. We are so Blessed! I cannot believe all of the incredibly wonderful things God has given us! He gave me this beautiful surrounding to enjoy, my daughter, my life, ah! As I ran, I just got more and more happy. I wasn't it the most pleasant mood when I left, but it quickly changed. God is so Amazing! He made our bodies so perfectly and wonderful that we don't need artificial things to make us feel good. All we have to do is go outside, run, walk, WHATEVER! It makes my body feel amazing, and gives me a "high" so to speak for the rest of my day. It makes me wonder why anyone looks for tangible highs. It is sad, and they don't know what they are missing out on. Why would you want to try to cheer up your body with unnatural things that will leave you feeling worse in the end? We have the best natural way to get high.. exercise. The way God intended it to be for our body. Not only do I feel good, but it gives me time to think and straighten out my life. To be thankful for all the things that I have, that I never realized how special they truly our. My daughter, a wonderful husband, family, friends, etc. I'm trying not to be cheesy but I can't help it right now because I'm still so Happy! 

I was addicted to drugs when I was 12 and got off when I was 15. I really never realized what I was doing, or that there were other things I could be doing, better things. I admit that I always had fun, especially enjoying my friends, but at what cost? What was it worth? I did nothing good for myself except depress my mind more and made it only that much harder to get out of bed every morning. I eventually dropped out of school because I got so mentally screwed up every time I was there. Truly, I will never know if it was really being there that hurt me or if it was the drugs. That was three years of my life truly wasted, I could have been enjoying the beautiful Life God has laid before me, with a clear and happy mind. 

Friday was also a good morning for me. I drove over to a drive thru to get my coffee, and the whole time I was thinking to myself how I shouldn't be doing this... I didn't have much cash on me and I really needed Gas in my car. But I wanted it so bad! Just to cheer me up and make my morning just a little more pleasant. Upon driving up to the window the Barista told me that the Woman in front of me paid for my coffee and said she hoped I had a great weekend! It totally made my day, and I was beaming for the rest of my drive. After that, I was able to go take care of all the little girls in my life! They are so wonderful and silly, made my day the best. 

My life seems to be full of big problems that I never know how to deal with, but it's just all of these little tiny things God scatters into my life that make me happy and makes everything seem okay, and everything I do seems worth it. 

**Aleeya just starting crawling this much, and even pulling herself up on furniture! She is now full of accidents and impossible to keep up with, but it is so much fun!!! When did my little babe get to be eight months old??? Seems like just yesterday I was texting my way through labor......

"Where O where have you been my love?

Where O where can you be?
It's been so long, since the moon has gone.
& 0 what a wreck you've made me.

Are you there over the ocean?
Are you there, up in the sky?
Until the return of my love
This lullaby

My Hope is on the horizon
Every face, it's your eyes i can see
I plead, i pray through each night & day
Our Embrace is only a dream.

& as sure as days come from moments
Each hour becomes a life's time
When she'd left, i'd only begun this lullaby"

~Queens of the Stone Age

I hear You Calling

It's been a month already? WELL...... I ran my first 5K, "twin cities torchlight" super fun with Heidi. Now... well, I'm training for a 10 mile. shoot me now. I have two months to add seven miles to my run. is that even possible. I am going to fall over dead, for sure. School ended.. YAY, but starts again in a couple weeks. 

Anyway tho I've been SOOOO like, idk, I don't want to use the word unhappy... I just have been tired and not incredibly pleasant. Aleeya has been extra fussy lately, and I don't know if it's teething or what's going on. Well on top of it all I don't get a lot of sleep with her and I'm constantly fighting a headache. I'm going absolutely insane living here. I love being wit my mom, but I fight a neverending battle with my dad that just cannot be won. I want my own place. Like a PERMANENT place where we can live and play in a yard and have more kids. UGH it's driving me nuts. I won't be done with school for probably 2 more years. I can't imagine staying here that long. 

On top of it all I'm having my bouts of feeling lonely... I AM NOT EMO.... I just wish I had more people to be around and hang out with on a regular basis. I spend a lot of time at home with Aleeya. and I LOVE being with her and spending time with her but it gets old being in the house all day. Now the weather is getting cold. yuck. 

I drove to Des Moines and met my father in law for the first time last week. He came up to stay with Efrain's sister and so now Aleeya has another grandpa... Abuelo in her life. YAY for LeeLee. 

There's just a lot of stuff going on... a lot has changed since I had my babe. It's a hard thing. But I'm dealin with it the best I know how. Havin some issues maybe I'll expand upon later. Right now Aleeya is clawing at my back and trying to eat me. Think Efra is home =) 

"Nothin' really bothers her, She just wants to Love herself..." 

Godsmack

Right. Well me and my best friend Angela went to the Godsmack concert last night. It was fucking unbelievable. I keep wanting to say "fucking tits.." I hate it but one of my friends will not shut up with that phrase. I am sooo like, in the Godsmack zone right now and I can't get over it. Amazing, Amazing. Sully was soooo hot. And I got hella good pics on my phone... [now to figure out how to get them to the comp]. We had a great time, and would have been standing in a really good spot, was it not for a fat couple boppin around in front of us the whole time. They seriously could not sit still, so I was straining my neck and my knees to see around them the whole time. And for real, they should not have been there. They were old and I was like, go take care of you children who you probably home school on a ranch somewhere. man. 

I don't know if I mentioned that we had our wedding reception a while ago. [JC there are fruit flies flying around my head providing an annoying distraction]. It was super fun, and we got a hotel afterwards. I think everyone else had a lot of fun too. My favorite part, tho, was taking pictures beforehand, rather that the reception itself ;). I had a fabulous dress, and a fabulous hair do done by none other than my beauty school sister. It was amazing. 

I just finished reading the fourth book in my favorite series... Prey by Rachel Vincent. Absolutely incredible. Like, cannot physically ever release the book from my hands while I'm reading it. She is an amazing writer. And such an inspiration. I hope to be that someday, someday when the kid thing is no longer an obstacle and I have time to sit down and write my books. 2 of which I already started by the way.... totally unrelated. 

Speaking of the kid thing tho, wow I don't know what it is lately, but I'm having a hard time once again coming to terms with the fact that I am a parent. I so definitely wasn't ready for this. God I love her to fricken death. She is my world... my little Moon Baby. But still, I have such a hard time accepting that I have to be ultimately there for her. For everything. She is mine... MY gift from God, that no one else can claim. I love her, and I will do it, joyfully, but it's such a hard thing. I don't and can't even talk about it with anyone. The best listeners I know can never understand because they don't have kids. I am dealing the best way I can. And I will. And continue to do so. 

She is waking up, and I wanted to write more but I'll have to at a later time. so thats all for now. 

IDK

I'm watching my babe sleep. Finally, it's been a long day. We saw her great grandmother today, and that poor woman barely remembers where she is half the time. She really enjoys it tho. She really just can't get over the fact that she has a great grandchild. 

I went to my Aunt's house for a while. My Great aunt Nana was in town from Texas... and so I don't see her that often. It was fine, I guess. Everyone ooed and awed over Aleeya and cooed about how she is such a good baby.. and she is.... but how easy for them to say when they can just give her back when she cries. Hung out with my cousin for a while, which is awesome cuz I love her so much.. but we weren't together for too long. Which reminds me as to why I fight depression so much. It's like... do not get me wrong. I LOVE my daughter and I LOVE my husband. I just miss how it was. I miss it so much. It is sooo hard to have a baby. I really still just cannot get used to the fact that I have someone who is 100,000% MY responsibility and literally everything that I do revolves around her. I love her but it hurts me sometimes. I watched my cousin get ready to leave and then go out with her friends. I cannot tell you how many times I just want to go out with whoever, and not have to worry about anything. Even if I do go out, it's like... okay, when do I gotta be back for Aleeya, what will she needs when I get back, gotta make sure I'm being smart about what I'm doing cuz I have to go back to her. Its hard. 

I have so many great memories, and usually I don't even want to think about them, it just makes me sad. I miss everyone, and I feel so alone. I was left alone when I became pregnant, and felt even more so when she was born. Half the time I don't even know what the fuck I'm doing. Where am I going? What is going to end up of me? Is it going to be like this forever???

Someone please help me. Help me from myself. 

I am just left out of so many things. I watched on the Tyra show some like 15 and 16 year old girls who want to get pregnant cuz it's cute or something. WHAT THE FUCK... ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND?? They have no idea what they are getting themselves into. 

Sometimes, being pregnant, there will be people around acting all excited for you and supportive, super excited for your baby. But ultimately, they leave. The idea of being able to hold a baby and look at one when it is convenient is great. But ultimately, I will be.... I am alone, in the end. 

On a more positive note, I ran 3 miles for the first time yesterday. The 5K is coming up, and I am going to own it in a couple of weeks. 

"See you all from time to time 

Isn't it so strange 
How far away we all are now 
Am I the only one who remembers that summer 
Oh, I remember 
Everyday each time the place was saved 
The music that we made
The wind has carried all of that away"

-Mad Season

Moving

We are moving this week. This, no I am not looking forward to it. Efrain wants to save until we have a down payment for a house. Hopefully by then I will have found a job and will be working. A house is my dream. When I close my eyes I see us in a house, a yard to play with my kids, and space to move around and do as I please. I definitely want more kids, but I will not bring more children into my parents house. I want "going to grandmas" to be a special trip. Not Living at grandmas. I had planned on not staying longer than a year or so. Now, I'm not so sure that's how it will turn out. ughhhh. 

One day, though, I will have my house. 

I am currently training with my sister to run a 5k. She can run a lot farther, she's done a half marathon. This is a big step for me. I will be running non stop 3 miles in July. Yippee. I am getting close... which reminds me, I gotta go running. 

Why is it so important to speak to someone who doesn't have the time or the motivation to actually see you??

This is what I have come to believe about cell phones. I just text and text and text, but how many of these people actually care, or would be unaffected if I stopped? 

I am having a REALLY hard time dealing with life right now. I don't want to sound all emo, it's just that I am incredibly lonely. I sit with my daughter in our apartment all day, and the only social interaction I get is the television, texts, or my mom. Aleeya and I try to go outside and enjoy the summer, but my days get incredibly long. I am not happy. Nobody actually has the time or the motivation to be with me. 

Today, I was socially engaged by my sister in law. She came over to give me something for the wedding. However, her english is very poor, and so we both stared at the TV and listened to Aleeya for 2 hours. I guess she finally decided to call it quits, and left. 

I love my daughter, soo much. And I still love Efrain. He is my best friend. However, I can't help but to miss my old life, and my old friends. I think about it daily, and it does no good for my state of mind.

"Innocence is over

Over

Ignorance is spoken
Spoken

Confidence is broken
Broken

Sustenance is stolen
Stolen

Arrogance is potent
Potent, yeah

Yeah, What I see is unreal
I've written my own part
Eat of the apple, so young
I'm crawling back to start

I repent tomorrow
Tomorrow

I suspend my sorrow
Sorrow, yeah

Yeah, What I see is unreal
I've written my own part
Eat of the apple, so young
I'm crawling back to start

A romance is fallen
Fallen

Recommend you borrow
Borrow, yeah

Yeah, What I see is unreal
I've written my own part
Eat of the apple, so young
I'm crawling back to start"

~Rotten Apple, 

Alice in Chains