I went to my Aunt's house for a while. My Great aunt Nana was in town from Texas... and so I don't see her that often. It was fine, I guess. Everyone ooed and awed over Aleeya and cooed about how she is such a good baby.. and she is.... but how easy for them to say when they can just give her back when she cries. Hung out with my cousin for a while, which is awesome cuz I love her so much.. but we weren't together for too long. Which reminds me as to why I fight depression so much. It's like... do not get me wrong. I LOVE my daughter and I LOVE my husband. I just miss how it was. I miss it so much. It is sooo hard to have a baby. I really still just cannot get used to the fact that I have someone who is 100,000% MY responsibility and literally everything that I do revolves around her. I love her but it hurts me sometimes. I watched my cousin get ready to leave and then go out with her friends. I cannot tell you how many times I just want to go out with whoever, and not have to worry about anything. Even if I do go out, it's like... okay, when do I gotta be back for Aleeya, what will she needs when I get back, gotta make sure I'm being smart about what I'm doing cuz I have to go back to her. Its hard.
I have so many great memories, and usually I don't even want to think about them, it just makes me sad. I miss everyone, and I feel so alone. I was left alone when I became pregnant, and felt even more so when she was born. Half the time I don't even know what the fuck I'm doing. Where am I going? What is going to end up of me? Is it going to be like this forever???
Someone please help me. Help me from myself.
I am just left out of so many things. I watched on the Tyra show some like 15 and 16 year old girls who want to get pregnant cuz it's cute or something. WHAT THE FUCK... ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND?? They have no idea what they are getting themselves into.
Sometimes, being pregnant, there will be people around acting all excited for you and supportive, super excited for your baby. But ultimately, they leave. The idea of being able to hold a baby and look at one when it is convenient is great. But ultimately, I will be.... I am alone, in the end.
On a more positive note, I ran 3 miles for the first time yesterday. The 5K is coming up, and I am going to own it in a couple of weeks.
"See you all from time to time
Isn't it so strange How far away we all are now
Am I the only one who remembers that summer
Oh, I remember
Everyday each time the place was saved
The music that we made
The wind has carried all of that away"
-Mad Season
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