vaccines

Well we did our first round of shots yesterday. pretty much i totally regret it. like i know she needs that stuff for school but putting foreign bodies into an infant?? idk. it was sooooo sad. She screamed a horrible cry i've never heard from her before. i wanted to cry. that's not even the worst part. she screamed for the rest of the damn day!!! and it wasn't any normal cry... it was definitely a different more painy cry. She's got like 4 specific cries that i recognize- hunger, bored/mad/attention, pain, and pooping. This was like a whole new level of her pain and i wanted to DIE. It was horrible for both of us. She has to have MORE (she had 6 vaccines..2 per shot) at 4 months... and I DO NOT want to. i just don't think it's right. nor do i want to go thru it again, and i doubt she does either. 

 In BETTER news... she is in 75th for height, 50th for weight, but for some reason only 10th for head size. lol. she seems fine to me tho. I'm having some minor issues. i don't know why... but she has been super crabby at night. which means for me, strolling around the apartment complex for a couple hours before she falls asleep.. she will literally scream if we don't walk. I am pretty much exhausted. physically and emotionally. yes i do get help and can take naps on occasion when my mom comes over, but like babies don't take breaks. its funny to think about them as a "job." but she's a 24/7 responsibility. i LOVE it and i LOVE her to death.. don't get me wrong... but babies don't take breaks and sometimes it gets overwhelming. Especially right now... my hubby just went back to work in the mornings. It's super great for him, i know he needs to breath and he gets bored in the apartment 24 hours a day... but it's really hard on me. i can't say anything, cuz then he will feel bad, and we both know he needs to work.. and he's been looking for this job for months. I am feeling really really overwhelmed. I can't say, hey baby, can u take Aleeya so i can make food, go to the store, take a rest, take a shower, etc. and now.. i have to find an opportune time that i know she won't be crying for at least 15 minutes. i just miss having him around me all the time and always being able to rely on him. i love him dearly and never realized how much i needed him until he wasn't around. 

Sometimes I think about girls a lot younger than me who have babies... and don't have anyone. it's truly amazing. I get overwhelmed with a baby and i am 19 and have a husband and ppl around me when i desperately need them. I get sad for the babies too! when i think about all of the attention Aleeya needs and I doubt these babies are getting all of their needs met 100% of the time. I do my absolute best and I hope that she has everything that she needs, and she seems happy... but idk.. how will it be for her 5, 10, or 15 years for her down the road? what will it be like for other babies with teen mothers. I just love my baby more than anyone can understand, and I really pray that all these other babies are experiencing a love like this as well. 

Through all of this, I am really learning who my real friends are, who i can count on, and who cares. It really pleases me and I hope to spend much more time with them. I want to raise Aleeya to know them and have them be a great part of my life! Aleeya is truly changing my life in all aspects- including my state of mind... and I thank God for that every day! 

Thank you LORD for this BEAUTIFUL baby! 

jobs and school

So we've all been sick... and it sucks cuz Aleeya doesn't really want to sleep. She had been sleeping like 5-6 hour stretches, but since she got a nasty cold she's been waking up every couple hours. Not sleeping sucks really bad. Anyway, my boyyy has been looking for another job for the last couple of weeks.... and it's not going very well. I even had a few interviews. I didn't get it, but I don't really care. I was just like, if i do, yay, if not, oh well. I'm not to enthuised about working while taking classes and I love spending like every second with Aleeya. Anyway the job search for him isn't going very well and so he's super stressed out, which makes a kind of angry atmosphere in our apartment. I'm praying really hard for the both of us, and he prays too, but I think he's losing faith... it's really sad for me to watch and I hate it. He's usually such a strong confident guy but he's starting to go nuts stuck in our apartment all the time. I'm used to it nor do I mind (I absolutely LOVE our house, I can't help but smile every time I go home)... but idk he's just not used to it. 

In OTHER more positive news... Aleeya is 2 months old on monday!!! she's is getting so big SOO fast i can't believe it. We took a trip to the doc for her cold (which was gay cuz the doctor didn't do anything anyway) and she weighed over 10 fricken pounds!! she's catching up to my fatass cat Mackey! She's growing out of all of her newborn clothes and even many of her 0-3 months! it's really exciting for me! Tomorrow we get to hang out with my sis all day so i'm super pumped for that. We are going to go check out a caterer for our wedding reception coming up in June. then we will go visit our friend Stef and her AMAZING little 2 year old and 3 month old girls. They are soo awesome and I love going to see them cuz I look up to her so much as a mom (right up there next to Kate Gosselin... my hero hahaha). 

I'm also taking 2 online classes. Intro to computers (or something along the line), and a really really gay class called strategies for success. I took something really similar at ALC and it was really easy and just kind of dumb. Like: study skills, positive self talk, you can, etc. I sometimes feel insulted.. like a punch to my intelligence. The problem is that I'm super unmotivated... like first of all i have to go to my parents to use the internet... and i lose my temper with my dad really easily, and then there's always 5 thousand other things i wanna do. I just don't wanna sit down and get it done. Plus, i hate prerequisites. Maybe if it was something I was relatively interested in... but it won't be until I really get into the accounting stuff. which i'm excited for. for any of you who are debating online classes.... dont do it. you really have to be self motivated and computer savvy. I am neither. I think i'd be doing better listening to an instructor in a classroom. Technical college was better, but harder. My math class was kick ass. But this is the hard thing about having a baby. It's so hard to get into going to school. Even if I do want to go, the nights are so long that by the time morning comes around I'm way to exausted to get up and get going anywhere. I'd rather lay on the couch and catch a nap when I can. 

Lastly, before I go watch Jon and Kate, If anyone has any suggestions on infant gas... gimme a comment!! Aleeya has been super fussy in the evenings.. and it's sooo hard. I love her to death but after like an hour of bouncing around and crying it's hard not to feel frustrated. It's also hard for me to hand her over to her dad. I always feel like she is MY responisibility and i shouldn't try to hand her off to anyone else. I also feel like as her mother, I can do more for her than anyone else. Anyway, leave me your comments! 

ps. I'm missing my friends to death. I don't see anyone anymore, and maybe it's that people just feel like since I have a baby, They don't want to invite me out or I can't go out. and sometimes it's difficult but never out of the question. 

pps. I did go out with my cousin and her girlfriends the other day. They all LOVED the baby and it was so much fun. <3

My daughter is Born!

On Monday, February 23, 2009, at like 11 am I called my doctor. I had been having weird painless contractions, but they were time-able. They were coming all the time tho. She told me to go in and get checked. So I got there at like 12. They put me in a triage room at the hospital, and the nurse checked me, and i was still dilated to like almost a 2, but i had been for a while. She said I should go walk around. So my mom and I walked around for like 20 minutes. When she checked me again, I had changed like a quarter of a centimeter. So the nurse said she would call the doctor and let us know what she thought. So I think it was like 230 that i was sitting in this bed, waiting to hear from my doctor. all of a sudden... I was pretty sure I was peeing my pants. but i wasn't sure. But then it kept coming. like 15 minutes later, the nurse came back in and said "Your doctor says you can go home." I was like... "either i'm peeing my pants or my amniotic fluid is breaking." so they moved me into my hospital room. 

It wasn't too long before I got a dose of whatever that synthetic hormone is called that makes you have stronger contractions. I also had to have penecillin for group b strep, which HURTS the ENTIRE time it's flowing into your arm. it SUCKED. 

My mom was in the room with me, Heidi, Efrain, and (yay for me.....) his sister and her boyfriend. (actually, I really don't get along with them and they were the LAST people i wanted to see while contracting in a hospital bed). I started having horrible contractions, so I sat on a big ball and started playing cards with Efrain and Mario (I won). FINALLY at like 830 (and i was pissed cuz i missed jon and kate +8 ) I got my epidural. The anesthesiologist was a tool and he was annoying, but I was soooooo happy to see him. So I got it while I was like 4 cm dilated, but it only worked on one side. I still felt everything on my left side. It was just 1.5 hours later that i was checkd and SURPRISE... I was 9 and needed to get ready to push. My good friend Amber showed up and got to be there thru the whole thing. I pushed for like an hour... and it wasn't as bad as i thought it was going to be.. I was texting the whole time. Ha. Heidi made it a little difficult tho, cuz thanks to her I kept laughing but I wasn't supposed to be breathing. So finally at 10:58pm, exactly one week before my due date, I gave birth to my Daughter, Aleeya Lily. She was 7.59 lbs and 20 in long. She had TONS of black hair. Everyone was sooo excited and overwhelmed (well i was anyway). 

 

Pregnancy- The End

It didn't take long before pregnancy became really tiresome. I was going to a community college taking like 3 classes, and it was starting to become a pain in my ass for like 3 main reasons. Number 1- I was UNCOMFORTABLE. I was huge and could not sit in a hard desk for more than 10 minutes. But I had no choice. It was horrible and I went home every night sore and stiff and wanting to bathe for like an hour. Number 2- Everyone stares. UGH. No one who doesn't know me bothers to ask me how I'm doing, when I'm due, etc. Everyone stares and I guess I'm kinda insecure, so I feel super judged a lot too. I hate that feeling. And feeling like that makes me hate everyone around me. Number 3- The horrible question: What are you Having? it's NEVER "are you having a boy or girl?" it's always just "what are you having." First of all it's annoying after awhile, and second of all, What do you mean what am i having??? It's a baby.. ("um, i think it's  puppy...?") WTF. 

The worst part of the whole thing... was that I was only 18, living a normal life with my boy and my friends, but when I got pregnant, I felt like I lost friends. I still don't really know what it is. Suddenly I was like outcasted. I was no longer invited to go out with my friends, and soon we lost contact all together. I think the more they started to hang out with other people the more they forgot about the pregnant chick who now needs to spend more time with her boyfriend for emotional reasons. I was so lonely, jealous, and altogether lost. To this day, sometimes I feel like they're making an effort, but it hasn't been the same since, and I don't know if it ever will be. 

Cravings. They were not that of food. The first thing- sponges. I wanted to hold and feel and squeeze regular kitchen sponges. I had a huge desire to buy them when we were at the store, and just feel the dry hard sponge on my hands and my skin. Then I discovered the texture of Towels. OMG I loved it. I wanted to lay and roll in towels. But soon I discovered how amazing fabric softener smelled. but why not combine these? I became absolutely obsessed with towels drenched in fabric softener. I loved to wash my towels, use capfuls of softener, and then smell them. In my closet I had all of my towels arranged with a fabric sheet layered in between each of the towels. Wow it was amazing. Soon I discovered I was obsessed with cleaning everything with products from top to bottom. I loved my cleaning products and my fabreeze. It was ridiculous. Efrain and I had just moved into our apartment in December and I swear Ours was the cleanest room in the building. 

By the last month, I was having braxton hicks contractions all the time, and felt like i would never know if i was Actually in labor. I was sore and miserable and took it out on everyone. pregnancy just got worse and worse and I HATED every second of it. I started to search for natural induction methods online. I think me and my boyfriend had sex like everyday for the last 2 weeks of it, even tho i was NOT into it AT ALL. It was the farthest thing from my mind.... but i was DESPERATE to get this kid out. Over the weekend I made red raspberry leaf iced tea, and drank it all weekend. My membranes were scraped... and it did nothing. I was close to trying castor oil.. too close... when finally something happened......

Pregnancy- The Beginning.

Okay so I had been with my boyfriend, Efrain, for less than a year. I was on oral contraceptives, but honestly I started to get a little lazy with it. Why? I don't know. Wasn't I scared of getting pregnant? Well, idk. I had mixed feelings about it. I loved him soo much, and I knew that he loved me. We knew that we would always be together.. and I know a lot of people say that and it never happens.... but it was seriously like a serious love.. and we felt like soul mates. We are like the same person on the inside. Anyway, so yeah, we did it. Was I using protection? I guess I don't know. It was like, whatever happens happens I guess, and I knew we would be okay either way. We both wanted kids eventually... and so whatever. There was one particular day when I was pretty sure that something unintentionally happened.. so I saved the date. 14 days later, I bought a home pregnancy test (and I had already been thru like a hundred of them) and low and behold! Positive. I was in the bathroom at my parents house. My mom knew what I was doing, so she waited in my bedroom for me to come out with the results. Although it was an almost purposeful pregnancy, I came out of the bathroom terrified and crying. It was actually happening... I WAS pregnant. Something that I cannot take back and is not going away anytime soon. I do not believe in abortion... and I don't think I could live with an adoption. I knew what I was going to do from day one. She was Mine. 

The first thing I did was called my really good friend Amber. She's been through the same thing, but unfortunately did not get as much support from her son's father as I fortunately did from my daughter's father. She was really encouraging and helped me through the initial shock. Then my boyfriend. I called him, and surprisingly He was soooo happy and excited. For probably the first three months he had enough excitement for the both of us.  He just could not contain himself with the fact that he would be a father.

So we went through my initial appointments and ultrasounds and after some initial confusion everything seemed to be going completely normally. For me, the pregnant mother however, it sucked. Pregnancy was nothing to be looking forward to. I had zero appetite, I was nauseous 24/7, and I threw up like 85% of everything I ate. In the first 8 weeks I lost like 10 pounds. Efrain was constantly bitching at me to eat... he wanted to shove as much food into me as possible to make our baby big and strong. I was not pleased at his constant nagging, and to make it worse, I pretty much felt like I had pms all the time so I was just always irritated with everyone. I feel bad now, and looking back on it I can see that Efrain was usually the number one victim to my irritability. It didn't help that there was always a tiny bit of a language barrier that would prove difficult to get my feelings across. 

After those first two months, I suddenly wanted to eat everything, and I started gaining weight normally. I think I gained a total of 19 or 20 pounds. I'm only like 5 feet tall, and only weighed a little over 100lbs to begin with, so this was kind of significant for me. At 18 weeks I was like WAY excited to find out if I was having a boy or a girl. So my mom, my sister Heidi (also my bestest friend), and Efrain all piled into the ultrasound room to discover that I was having a GIRL!! I was SOOO excited and I hit Efrain sooo hard (it was almost like a contest to prove what we were having... i won). I immediately started picking out names and buying clothes. At the same time, Efrain's sister discovered she was going to have a boy. 

So this was the first few months of my pregnancy. I think I started to show like at 4 months. The upcoming months were worse than I could have expected.