FALL

I never understood it when people say "I'm high on Life," or "I've got a natural High." I always thought to myself, Shut up, no one know what the hell you are talking about. Until now. Kind of. This is my favorite kind of weather. A little chilly, but not too cold or too warm. The leaves are turning and falling off the trees, and if you find yourself in a natural setting it is absolutely beautiful. So I went running and ended up going around the lake by house 3 times! I just couldn't stop! The entire time it just felt so Awesome and wonderful, the scenery, the temperature.. I can't even completely describe it. We are so Blessed! I cannot believe all of the incredibly wonderful things God has given us! He gave me this beautiful surrounding to enjoy, my daughter, my life, ah! As I ran, I just got more and more happy. I wasn't it the most pleasant mood when I left, but it quickly changed. God is so Amazing! He made our bodies so perfectly and wonderful that we don't need artificial things to make us feel good. All we have to do is go outside, run, walk, WHATEVER! It makes my body feel amazing, and gives me a "high" so to speak for the rest of my day. It makes me wonder why anyone looks for tangible highs. It is sad, and they don't know what they are missing out on. Why would you want to try to cheer up your body with unnatural things that will leave you feeling worse in the end? We have the best natural way to get high.. exercise. The way God intended it to be for our body. Not only do I feel good, but it gives me time to think and straighten out my life. To be thankful for all the things that I have, that I never realized how special they truly our. My daughter, a wonderful husband, family, friends, etc. I'm trying not to be cheesy but I can't help it right now because I'm still so Happy! 

I was addicted to drugs when I was 12 and got off when I was 15. I really never realized what I was doing, or that there were other things I could be doing, better things. I admit that I always had fun, especially enjoying my friends, but at what cost? What was it worth? I did nothing good for myself except depress my mind more and made it only that much harder to get out of bed every morning. I eventually dropped out of school because I got so mentally screwed up every time I was there. Truly, I will never know if it was really being there that hurt me or if it was the drugs. That was three years of my life truly wasted, I could have been enjoying the beautiful Life God has laid before me, with a clear and happy mind. 

Friday was also a good morning for me. I drove over to a drive thru to get my coffee, and the whole time I was thinking to myself how I shouldn't be doing this... I didn't have much cash on me and I really needed Gas in my car. But I wanted it so bad! Just to cheer me up and make my morning just a little more pleasant. Upon driving up to the window the Barista told me that the Woman in front of me paid for my coffee and said she hoped I had a great weekend! It totally made my day, and I was beaming for the rest of my drive. After that, I was able to go take care of all the little girls in my life! They are so wonderful and silly, made my day the best. 

My life seems to be full of big problems that I never know how to deal with, but it's just all of these little tiny things God scatters into my life that make me happy and makes everything seem okay, and everything I do seems worth it. 

**Aleeya just starting crawling this much, and even pulling herself up on furniture! She is now full of accidents and impossible to keep up with, but it is so much fun!!! When did my little babe get to be eight months old??? Seems like just yesterday I was texting my way through labor......

"Where O where have you been my love?

Where O where can you be?
It's been so long, since the moon has gone.
& 0 what a wreck you've made me.

Are you there over the ocean?
Are you there, up in the sky?
Until the return of my love
This lullaby

My Hope is on the horizon
Every face, it's your eyes i can see
I plead, i pray through each night & day
Our Embrace is only a dream.

& as sure as days come from moments
Each hour becomes a life's time
When she'd left, i'd only begun this lullaby"

~Queens of the Stone Age

I hear You Calling

It's been a month already? WELL...... I ran my first 5K, "twin cities torchlight" super fun with Heidi. Now... well, I'm training for a 10 mile. shoot me now. I have two months to add seven miles to my run. is that even possible. I am going to fall over dead, for sure. School ended.. YAY, but starts again in a couple weeks. 

Anyway tho I've been SOOOO like, idk, I don't want to use the word unhappy... I just have been tired and not incredibly pleasant. Aleeya has been extra fussy lately, and I don't know if it's teething or what's going on. Well on top of it all I don't get a lot of sleep with her and I'm constantly fighting a headache. I'm going absolutely insane living here. I love being wit my mom, but I fight a neverending battle with my dad that just cannot be won. I want my own place. Like a PERMANENT place where we can live and play in a yard and have more kids. UGH it's driving me nuts. I won't be done with school for probably 2 more years. I can't imagine staying here that long. 

On top of it all I'm having my bouts of feeling lonely... I AM NOT EMO.... I just wish I had more people to be around and hang out with on a regular basis. I spend a lot of time at home with Aleeya. and I LOVE being with her and spending time with her but it gets old being in the house all day. Now the weather is getting cold. yuck. 

I drove to Des Moines and met my father in law for the first time last week. He came up to stay with Efrain's sister and so now Aleeya has another grandpa... Abuelo in her life. YAY for LeeLee. 

There's just a lot of stuff going on... a lot has changed since I had my babe. It's a hard thing. But I'm dealin with it the best I know how. Havin some issues maybe I'll expand upon later. Right now Aleeya is clawing at my back and trying to eat me. Think Efra is home =) 

"Nothin' really bothers her, She just wants to Love herself..." 

Godsmack

Right. Well me and my best friend Angela went to the Godsmack concert last night. It was fucking unbelievable. I keep wanting to say "fucking tits.." I hate it but one of my friends will not shut up with that phrase. I am sooo like, in the Godsmack zone right now and I can't get over it. Amazing, Amazing. Sully was soooo hot. And I got hella good pics on my phone... [now to figure out how to get them to the comp]. We had a great time, and would have been standing in a really good spot, was it not for a fat couple boppin around in front of us the whole time. They seriously could not sit still, so I was straining my neck and my knees to see around them the whole time. And for real, they should not have been there. They were old and I was like, go take care of you children who you probably home school on a ranch somewhere. man. 

I don't know if I mentioned that we had our wedding reception a while ago. [JC there are fruit flies flying around my head providing an annoying distraction]. It was super fun, and we got a hotel afterwards. I think everyone else had a lot of fun too. My favorite part, tho, was taking pictures beforehand, rather that the reception itself ;). I had a fabulous dress, and a fabulous hair do done by none other than my beauty school sister. It was amazing. 

I just finished reading the fourth book in my favorite series... Prey by Rachel Vincent. Absolutely incredible. Like, cannot physically ever release the book from my hands while I'm reading it. She is an amazing writer. And such an inspiration. I hope to be that someday, someday when the kid thing is no longer an obstacle and I have time to sit down and write my books. 2 of which I already started by the way.... totally unrelated. 

Speaking of the kid thing tho, wow I don't know what it is lately, but I'm having a hard time once again coming to terms with the fact that I am a parent. I so definitely wasn't ready for this. God I love her to fricken death. She is my world... my little Moon Baby. But still, I have such a hard time accepting that I have to be ultimately there for her. For everything. She is mine... MY gift from God, that no one else can claim. I love her, and I will do it, joyfully, but it's such a hard thing. I don't and can't even talk about it with anyone. The best listeners I know can never understand because they don't have kids. I am dealing the best way I can. And I will. And continue to do so. 

She is waking up, and I wanted to write more but I'll have to at a later time. so thats all for now. 

IDK

I'm watching my babe sleep. Finally, it's been a long day. We saw her great grandmother today, and that poor woman barely remembers where she is half the time. She really enjoys it tho. She really just can't get over the fact that she has a great grandchild. 

I went to my Aunt's house for a while. My Great aunt Nana was in town from Texas... and so I don't see her that often. It was fine, I guess. Everyone ooed and awed over Aleeya and cooed about how she is such a good baby.. and she is.... but how easy for them to say when they can just give her back when she cries. Hung out with my cousin for a while, which is awesome cuz I love her so much.. but we weren't together for too long. Which reminds me as to why I fight depression so much. It's like... do not get me wrong. I LOVE my daughter and I LOVE my husband. I just miss how it was. I miss it so much. It is sooo hard to have a baby. I really still just cannot get used to the fact that I have someone who is 100,000% MY responsibility and literally everything that I do revolves around her. I love her but it hurts me sometimes. I watched my cousin get ready to leave and then go out with her friends. I cannot tell you how many times I just want to go out with whoever, and not have to worry about anything. Even if I do go out, it's like... okay, when do I gotta be back for Aleeya, what will she needs when I get back, gotta make sure I'm being smart about what I'm doing cuz I have to go back to her. Its hard. 

I have so many great memories, and usually I don't even want to think about them, it just makes me sad. I miss everyone, and I feel so alone. I was left alone when I became pregnant, and felt even more so when she was born. Half the time I don't even know what the fuck I'm doing. Where am I going? What is going to end up of me? Is it going to be like this forever???

Someone please help me. Help me from myself. 

I am just left out of so many things. I watched on the Tyra show some like 15 and 16 year old girls who want to get pregnant cuz it's cute or something. WHAT THE FUCK... ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND?? They have no idea what they are getting themselves into. 

Sometimes, being pregnant, there will be people around acting all excited for you and supportive, super excited for your baby. But ultimately, they leave. The idea of being able to hold a baby and look at one when it is convenient is great. But ultimately, I will be.... I am alone, in the end. 

On a more positive note, I ran 3 miles for the first time yesterday. The 5K is coming up, and I am going to own it in a couple of weeks. 

"See you all from time to time 

Isn't it so strange 
How far away we all are now 
Am I the only one who remembers that summer 
Oh, I remember 
Everyday each time the place was saved 
The music that we made
The wind has carried all of that away"

-Mad Season

Moving

We are moving this week. This, no I am not looking forward to it. Efrain wants to save until we have a down payment for a house. Hopefully by then I will have found a job and will be working. A house is my dream. When I close my eyes I see us in a house, a yard to play with my kids, and space to move around and do as I please. I definitely want more kids, but I will not bring more children into my parents house. I want "going to grandmas" to be a special trip. Not Living at grandmas. I had planned on not staying longer than a year or so. Now, I'm not so sure that's how it will turn out. ughhhh. 

One day, though, I will have my house. 

I am currently training with my sister to run a 5k. She can run a lot farther, she's done a half marathon. This is a big step for me. I will be running non stop 3 miles in July. Yippee. I am getting close... which reminds me, I gotta go running. 

Why is it so important to speak to someone who doesn't have the time or the motivation to actually see you??

This is what I have come to believe about cell phones. I just text and text and text, but how many of these people actually care, or would be unaffected if I stopped? 

I am having a REALLY hard time dealing with life right now. I don't want to sound all emo, it's just that I am incredibly lonely. I sit with my daughter in our apartment all day, and the only social interaction I get is the television, texts, or my mom. Aleeya and I try to go outside and enjoy the summer, but my days get incredibly long. I am not happy. Nobody actually has the time or the motivation to be with me. 

Today, I was socially engaged by my sister in law. She came over to give me something for the wedding. However, her english is very poor, and so we both stared at the TV and listened to Aleeya for 2 hours. I guess she finally decided to call it quits, and left. 

I love my daughter, soo much. And I still love Efrain. He is my best friend. However, I can't help but to miss my old life, and my old friends. I think about it daily, and it does no good for my state of mind.

"Innocence is over

Over

Ignorance is spoken
Spoken

Confidence is broken
Broken

Sustenance is stolen
Stolen

Arrogance is potent
Potent, yeah

Yeah, What I see is unreal
I've written my own part
Eat of the apple, so young
I'm crawling back to start

I repent tomorrow
Tomorrow

I suspend my sorrow
Sorrow, yeah

Yeah, What I see is unreal
I've written my own part
Eat of the apple, so young
I'm crawling back to start

A romance is fallen
Fallen

Recommend you borrow
Borrow, yeah

Yeah, What I see is unreal
I've written my own part
Eat of the apple, so young
I'm crawling back to start"

~Rotten Apple, 

Alice in Chains

Happily unhappy

Well, life is going by. Am I happy? No, not really. Don't get me wrong, I love my hubby x9182374716857. He is my best friend and everything to me. I love Aleeya too, she is my precious little world. But, I'm having problems with so many things. I hate where I live, I hate being so lonely all the time, and I really hate not having friends to hang out with. I feel like I have everything that I wanted in life, but even with a new family, I have never, ever been so alone. Efrain just works, and works, and works. I am with him 2 nights a week..... and one of those he usually spends catching up on the sleep he lost during the week. I just want to see him, and be with him so bad. He tells me he will quit on of his jobs once he saves adequate dinero. I want Aleeya to know him like she knows me.... She is always calm with me and seems to want to be with me. I want her to feel the same with her dad.

    We have made the decision to move...... um...... into my parents house. Believe me, this is the LAST place I wanna live... like LAST. But Efra wants to save money... and this will help us do so. We will probably move out next summer to hopefully a townhome. i just don't know how I will tolerate my dad. dun dun dun

Anyway, I have to go rescue Aleeya, she is crying... and my less than sober father is trying to pacify her. Not working to say the least

home search

I am trying to find a new place to live. And how frustrating it is!!! I've looked at several forclosed very cheap homes, and it just sounds like too much work. I've settled on renting a townhome or condominium, but the search is so frustrating. I don't have too much luck on the internet, because many of the sites you need to register for. I think I might start just driving around and looking.... that's how I obtained my current apartment. Not only that, but on the internet I'm always unsure of location and prices; and the pictures don't always give an accurate idea of what it will actually look like. I would love any suggestions! =) 

Why do I want to break my current lease?? Well, we've been fighting with the caretaker since we moved in. I'm not sure why he has a problem with us, but he does. In fact, there was a tow truck in the lot the other day trying to tow my car cuz i guess it makes him feel like he's got a big dick. We ended up in this huge swear fight and I had to keep Efra from punching him in the face. The caretaker was shaking so much I had to try not to laugh. Honestly, if he's that scared, why is he creating problems with us?? Anyway, the landlord used to be on our side, but lately he had been not so pleasant. So, to say the least, I am very sick of it and no longer wish to live there. On a positive reason to leave- as soon as Aleeya is mobile, it just won't be livable. There is not enough space. I love to cook, and I love to clean, but I just do not have the room to do either of those things. My lease is up in January, and I cannot last. 

On another negative note-- I have been exceedingly frustrated with my dad. He just makes me so sad. It's hard for me to even come over, which sucks because my parents want to see their granddaughter. I just don't understand why he has to continue to put these things into his body! He is slowly killing himself and he doesn't seem to care. It pains me soo much to watch. I miss the awesome man he used to be, and I want Aleeya to know him like that. I don't want her to know him as he currently is. His behavior is inappropriate, and he has something to say about everything. Unfortunately, however, his opinion is never a sober one. I can honestly say that I hate to talk to him, and I hate that I hate that. What pains me the most, is how he constantly talks about how excited he is for when Aleeya is toddling around and talking, but I can't help but wonder if he will actually be around to see it. My dad is paranoid about everything, and has such high anxiety, yet at the same time will be so hypocritical. He is so impossible to talk to, negotiate with, share opinions with, everything! It has become his way or the highway! I can no longer stand the way I see my mother live with him... She doesn't deserve it! But neither does he! He doesn't deserve the way I treat him, and he doesn't deserve to be the way that he has become!! How did this happen? Why do I have to watch all these substance seep into his body until his inevitable death?? It makes me Hate him so much. And I hate that I feel this way. Sometimes I wish he wasn't around, like maybe it would be better if these substances finally got the best of him. What kind of a horrible person am I to think like that? But what kind of a horrible person is he, to do these things to the body that God gave him? There is so much potential, and so little thought. It is a lost caused. I believe that we lost him a long time ago. And how I miss him. 

My Bebe just went back to work full time. It's the first I've been without him since Aleeya was born. I am overwhelmed. I am overwhelmed with being alone, with taking care of my precious baby, and trying to find something better for us. He cannot help when it comes to most of the search, call, and application process. He does not have the time and there are personal reasons as well. 

Who knew life could be so Complicated at just 19. 

vaccines

Well we did our first round of shots yesterday. pretty much i totally regret it. like i know she needs that stuff for school but putting foreign bodies into an infant?? idk. it was sooooo sad. She screamed a horrible cry i've never heard from her before. i wanted to cry. that's not even the worst part. she screamed for the rest of the damn day!!! and it wasn't any normal cry... it was definitely a different more painy cry. She's got like 4 specific cries that i recognize- hunger, bored/mad/attention, pain, and pooping. This was like a whole new level of her pain and i wanted to DIE. It was horrible for both of us. She has to have MORE (she had 6 vaccines..2 per shot) at 4 months... and I DO NOT want to. i just don't think it's right. nor do i want to go thru it again, and i doubt she does either. 

 In BETTER news... she is in 75th for height, 50th for weight, but for some reason only 10th for head size. lol. she seems fine to me tho. I'm having some minor issues. i don't know why... but she has been super crabby at night. which means for me, strolling around the apartment complex for a couple hours before she falls asleep.. she will literally scream if we don't walk. I am pretty much exhausted. physically and emotionally. yes i do get help and can take naps on occasion when my mom comes over, but like babies don't take breaks. its funny to think about them as a "job." but she's a 24/7 responsibility. i LOVE it and i LOVE her to death.. don't get me wrong... but babies don't take breaks and sometimes it gets overwhelming. Especially right now... my hubby just went back to work in the mornings. It's super great for him, i know he needs to breath and he gets bored in the apartment 24 hours a day... but it's really hard on me. i can't say anything, cuz then he will feel bad, and we both know he needs to work.. and he's been looking for this job for months. I am feeling really really overwhelmed. I can't say, hey baby, can u take Aleeya so i can make food, go to the store, take a rest, take a shower, etc. and now.. i have to find an opportune time that i know she won't be crying for at least 15 minutes. i just miss having him around me all the time and always being able to rely on him. i love him dearly and never realized how much i needed him until he wasn't around. 

Sometimes I think about girls a lot younger than me who have babies... and don't have anyone. it's truly amazing. I get overwhelmed with a baby and i am 19 and have a husband and ppl around me when i desperately need them. I get sad for the babies too! when i think about all of the attention Aleeya needs and I doubt these babies are getting all of their needs met 100% of the time. I do my absolute best and I hope that she has everything that she needs, and she seems happy... but idk.. how will it be for her 5, 10, or 15 years for her down the road? what will it be like for other babies with teen mothers. I just love my baby more than anyone can understand, and I really pray that all these other babies are experiencing a love like this as well. 

Through all of this, I am really learning who my real friends are, who i can count on, and who cares. It really pleases me and I hope to spend much more time with them. I want to raise Aleeya to know them and have them be a great part of my life! Aleeya is truly changing my life in all aspects- including my state of mind... and I thank God for that every day! 

Thank you LORD for this BEAUTIFUL baby! 

jobs and school

So we've all been sick... and it sucks cuz Aleeya doesn't really want to sleep. She had been sleeping like 5-6 hour stretches, but since she got a nasty cold she's been waking up every couple hours. Not sleeping sucks really bad. Anyway, my boyyy has been looking for another job for the last couple of weeks.... and it's not going very well. I even had a few interviews. I didn't get it, but I don't really care. I was just like, if i do, yay, if not, oh well. I'm not to enthuised about working while taking classes and I love spending like every second with Aleeya. Anyway the job search for him isn't going very well and so he's super stressed out, which makes a kind of angry atmosphere in our apartment. I'm praying really hard for the both of us, and he prays too, but I think he's losing faith... it's really sad for me to watch and I hate it. He's usually such a strong confident guy but he's starting to go nuts stuck in our apartment all the time. I'm used to it nor do I mind (I absolutely LOVE our house, I can't help but smile every time I go home)... but idk he's just not used to it. 

In OTHER more positive news... Aleeya is 2 months old on monday!!! she's is getting so big SOO fast i can't believe it. We took a trip to the doc for her cold (which was gay cuz the doctor didn't do anything anyway) and she weighed over 10 fricken pounds!! she's catching up to my fatass cat Mackey! She's growing out of all of her newborn clothes and even many of her 0-3 months! it's really exciting for me! Tomorrow we get to hang out with my sis all day so i'm super pumped for that. We are going to go check out a caterer for our wedding reception coming up in June. then we will go visit our friend Stef and her AMAZING little 2 year old and 3 month old girls. They are soo awesome and I love going to see them cuz I look up to her so much as a mom (right up there next to Kate Gosselin... my hero hahaha). 

I'm also taking 2 online classes. Intro to computers (or something along the line), and a really really gay class called strategies for success. I took something really similar at ALC and it was really easy and just kind of dumb. Like: study skills, positive self talk, you can, etc. I sometimes feel insulted.. like a punch to my intelligence. The problem is that I'm super unmotivated... like first of all i have to go to my parents to use the internet... and i lose my temper with my dad really easily, and then there's always 5 thousand other things i wanna do. I just don't wanna sit down and get it done. Plus, i hate prerequisites. Maybe if it was something I was relatively interested in... but it won't be until I really get into the accounting stuff. which i'm excited for. for any of you who are debating online classes.... dont do it. you really have to be self motivated and computer savvy. I am neither. I think i'd be doing better listening to an instructor in a classroom. Technical college was better, but harder. My math class was kick ass. But this is the hard thing about having a baby. It's so hard to get into going to school. Even if I do want to go, the nights are so long that by the time morning comes around I'm way to exausted to get up and get going anywhere. I'd rather lay on the couch and catch a nap when I can. 

Lastly, before I go watch Jon and Kate, If anyone has any suggestions on infant gas... gimme a comment!! Aleeya has been super fussy in the evenings.. and it's sooo hard. I love her to death but after like an hour of bouncing around and crying it's hard not to feel frustrated. It's also hard for me to hand her over to her dad. I always feel like she is MY responisibility and i shouldn't try to hand her off to anyone else. I also feel like as her mother, I can do more for her than anyone else. Anyway, leave me your comments! 

ps. I'm missing my friends to death. I don't see anyone anymore, and maybe it's that people just feel like since I have a baby, They don't want to invite me out or I can't go out. and sometimes it's difficult but never out of the question. 

pps. I did go out with my cousin and her girlfriends the other day. They all LOVED the baby and it was so much fun. <3

My daughter is Born!

On Monday, February 23, 2009, at like 11 am I called my doctor. I had been having weird painless contractions, but they were time-able. They were coming all the time tho. She told me to go in and get checked. So I got there at like 12. They put me in a triage room at the hospital, and the nurse checked me, and i was still dilated to like almost a 2, but i had been for a while. She said I should go walk around. So my mom and I walked around for like 20 minutes. When she checked me again, I had changed like a quarter of a centimeter. So the nurse said she would call the doctor and let us know what she thought. So I think it was like 230 that i was sitting in this bed, waiting to hear from my doctor. all of a sudden... I was pretty sure I was peeing my pants. but i wasn't sure. But then it kept coming. like 15 minutes later, the nurse came back in and said "Your doctor says you can go home." I was like... "either i'm peeing my pants or my amniotic fluid is breaking." so they moved me into my hospital room. 

It wasn't too long before I got a dose of whatever that synthetic hormone is called that makes you have stronger contractions. I also had to have penecillin for group b strep, which HURTS the ENTIRE time it's flowing into your arm. it SUCKED. 

My mom was in the room with me, Heidi, Efrain, and (yay for me.....) his sister and her boyfriend. (actually, I really don't get along with them and they were the LAST people i wanted to see while contracting in a hospital bed). I started having horrible contractions, so I sat on a big ball and started playing cards with Efrain and Mario (I won). FINALLY at like 830 (and i was pissed cuz i missed jon and kate +8 ) I got my epidural. The anesthesiologist was a tool and he was annoying, but I was soooooo happy to see him. So I got it while I was like 4 cm dilated, but it only worked on one side. I still felt everything on my left side. It was just 1.5 hours later that i was checkd and SURPRISE... I was 9 and needed to get ready to push. My good friend Amber showed up and got to be there thru the whole thing. I pushed for like an hour... and it wasn't as bad as i thought it was going to be.. I was texting the whole time. Ha. Heidi made it a little difficult tho, cuz thanks to her I kept laughing but I wasn't supposed to be breathing. So finally at 10:58pm, exactly one week before my due date, I gave birth to my Daughter, Aleeya Lily. She was 7.59 lbs and 20 in long. She had TONS of black hair. Everyone was sooo excited and overwhelmed (well i was anyway). 

 

Pregnancy- The End

It didn't take long before pregnancy became really tiresome. I was going to a community college taking like 3 classes, and it was starting to become a pain in my ass for like 3 main reasons. Number 1- I was UNCOMFORTABLE. I was huge and could not sit in a hard desk for more than 10 minutes. But I had no choice. It was horrible and I went home every night sore and stiff and wanting to bathe for like an hour. Number 2- Everyone stares. UGH. No one who doesn't know me bothers to ask me how I'm doing, when I'm due, etc. Everyone stares and I guess I'm kinda insecure, so I feel super judged a lot too. I hate that feeling. And feeling like that makes me hate everyone around me. Number 3- The horrible question: What are you Having? it's NEVER "are you having a boy or girl?" it's always just "what are you having." First of all it's annoying after awhile, and second of all, What do you mean what am i having??? It's a baby.. ("um, i think it's  puppy...?") WTF. 

The worst part of the whole thing... was that I was only 18, living a normal life with my boy and my friends, but when I got pregnant, I felt like I lost friends. I still don't really know what it is. Suddenly I was like outcasted. I was no longer invited to go out with my friends, and soon we lost contact all together. I think the more they started to hang out with other people the more they forgot about the pregnant chick who now needs to spend more time with her boyfriend for emotional reasons. I was so lonely, jealous, and altogether lost. To this day, sometimes I feel like they're making an effort, but it hasn't been the same since, and I don't know if it ever will be. 

Cravings. They were not that of food. The first thing- sponges. I wanted to hold and feel and squeeze regular kitchen sponges. I had a huge desire to buy them when we were at the store, and just feel the dry hard sponge on my hands and my skin. Then I discovered the texture of Towels. OMG I loved it. I wanted to lay and roll in towels. But soon I discovered how amazing fabric softener smelled. but why not combine these? I became absolutely obsessed with towels drenched in fabric softener. I loved to wash my towels, use capfuls of softener, and then smell them. In my closet I had all of my towels arranged with a fabric sheet layered in between each of the towels. Wow it was amazing. Soon I discovered I was obsessed with cleaning everything with products from top to bottom. I loved my cleaning products and my fabreeze. It was ridiculous. Efrain and I had just moved into our apartment in December and I swear Ours was the cleanest room in the building. 

By the last month, I was having braxton hicks contractions all the time, and felt like i would never know if i was Actually in labor. I was sore and miserable and took it out on everyone. pregnancy just got worse and worse and I HATED every second of it. I started to search for natural induction methods online. I think me and my boyfriend had sex like everyday for the last 2 weeks of it, even tho i was NOT into it AT ALL. It was the farthest thing from my mind.... but i was DESPERATE to get this kid out. Over the weekend I made red raspberry leaf iced tea, and drank it all weekend. My membranes were scraped... and it did nothing. I was close to trying castor oil.. too close... when finally something happened......

Pregnancy- The Beginning.

Okay so I had been with my boyfriend, Efrain, for less than a year. I was on oral contraceptives, but honestly I started to get a little lazy with it. Why? I don't know. Wasn't I scared of getting pregnant? Well, idk. I had mixed feelings about it. I loved him soo much, and I knew that he loved me. We knew that we would always be together.. and I know a lot of people say that and it never happens.... but it was seriously like a serious love.. and we felt like soul mates. We are like the same person on the inside. Anyway, so yeah, we did it. Was I using protection? I guess I don't know. It was like, whatever happens happens I guess, and I knew we would be okay either way. We both wanted kids eventually... and so whatever. There was one particular day when I was pretty sure that something unintentionally happened.. so I saved the date. 14 days later, I bought a home pregnancy test (and I had already been thru like a hundred of them) and low and behold! Positive. I was in the bathroom at my parents house. My mom knew what I was doing, so she waited in my bedroom for me to come out with the results. Although it was an almost purposeful pregnancy, I came out of the bathroom terrified and crying. It was actually happening... I WAS pregnant. Something that I cannot take back and is not going away anytime soon. I do not believe in abortion... and I don't think I could live with an adoption. I knew what I was going to do from day one. She was Mine. 

The first thing I did was called my really good friend Amber. She's been through the same thing, but unfortunately did not get as much support from her son's father as I fortunately did from my daughter's father. She was really encouraging and helped me through the initial shock. Then my boyfriend. I called him, and surprisingly He was soooo happy and excited. For probably the first three months he had enough excitement for the both of us.  He just could not contain himself with the fact that he would be a father.

So we went through my initial appointments and ultrasounds and after some initial confusion everything seemed to be going completely normally. For me, the pregnant mother however, it sucked. Pregnancy was nothing to be looking forward to. I had zero appetite, I was nauseous 24/7, and I threw up like 85% of everything I ate. In the first 8 weeks I lost like 10 pounds. Efrain was constantly bitching at me to eat... he wanted to shove as much food into me as possible to make our baby big and strong. I was not pleased at his constant nagging, and to make it worse, I pretty much felt like I had pms all the time so I was just always irritated with everyone. I feel bad now, and looking back on it I can see that Efrain was usually the number one victim to my irritability. It didn't help that there was always a tiny bit of a language barrier that would prove difficult to get my feelings across. 

After those first two months, I suddenly wanted to eat everything, and I started gaining weight normally. I think I gained a total of 19 or 20 pounds. I'm only like 5 feet tall, and only weighed a little over 100lbs to begin with, so this was kind of significant for me. At 18 weeks I was like WAY excited to find out if I was having a boy or a girl. So my mom, my sister Heidi (also my bestest friend), and Efrain all piled into the ultrasound room to discover that I was having a GIRL!! I was SOOO excited and I hit Efrain sooo hard (it was almost like a contest to prove what we were having... i won). I immediately started picking out names and buying clothes. At the same time, Efrain's sister discovered she was going to have a boy. 

So this was the first few months of my pregnancy. I think I started to show like at 4 months. The upcoming months were worse than I could have expected.