vaccines

Well we did our first round of shots yesterday. pretty much i totally regret it. like i know she needs that stuff for school but putting foreign bodies into an infant?? idk. it was sooooo sad. She screamed a horrible cry i've never heard from her before. i wanted to cry. that's not even the worst part. she screamed for the rest of the damn day!!! and it wasn't any normal cry... it was definitely a different more painy cry. She's got like 4 specific cries that i recognize- hunger, bored/mad/attention, pain, and pooping. This was like a whole new level of her pain and i wanted to DIE. It was horrible for both of us. She has to have MORE (she had 6 vaccines..2 per shot) at 4 months... and I DO NOT want to. i just don't think it's right. nor do i want to go thru it again, and i doubt she does either. 

 In BETTER news... she is in 75th for height, 50th for weight, but for some reason only 10th for head size. lol. she seems fine to me tho. I'm having some minor issues. i don't know why... but she has been super crabby at night. which means for me, strolling around the apartment complex for a couple hours before she falls asleep.. she will literally scream if we don't walk. I am pretty much exhausted. physically and emotionally. yes i do get help and can take naps on occasion when my mom comes over, but like babies don't take breaks. its funny to think about them as a "job." but she's a 24/7 responsibility. i LOVE it and i LOVE her to death.. don't get me wrong... but babies don't take breaks and sometimes it gets overwhelming. Especially right now... my hubby just went back to work in the mornings. It's super great for him, i know he needs to breath and he gets bored in the apartment 24 hours a day... but it's really hard on me. i can't say anything, cuz then he will feel bad, and we both know he needs to work.. and he's been looking for this job for months. I am feeling really really overwhelmed. I can't say, hey baby, can u take Aleeya so i can make food, go to the store, take a rest, take a shower, etc. and now.. i have to find an opportune time that i know she won't be crying for at least 15 minutes. i just miss having him around me all the time and always being able to rely on him. i love him dearly and never realized how much i needed him until he wasn't around. 

Sometimes I think about girls a lot younger than me who have babies... and don't have anyone. it's truly amazing. I get overwhelmed with a baby and i am 19 and have a husband and ppl around me when i desperately need them. I get sad for the babies too! when i think about all of the attention Aleeya needs and I doubt these babies are getting all of their needs met 100% of the time. I do my absolute best and I hope that she has everything that she needs, and she seems happy... but idk.. how will it be for her 5, 10, or 15 years for her down the road? what will it be like for other babies with teen mothers. I just love my baby more than anyone can understand, and I really pray that all these other babies are experiencing a love like this as well. 

Through all of this, I am really learning who my real friends are, who i can count on, and who cares. It really pleases me and I hope to spend much more time with them. I want to raise Aleeya to know them and have them be a great part of my life! Aleeya is truly changing my life in all aspects- including my state of mind... and I thank God for that every day! 

Thank you LORD for this BEAUTIFUL baby!